A History Set In Stone
by chislarina
Summary: Some things, you just have to accept. Sometimes, the acceptance isn't moving on, but instead, it is staying behind. Oneshot. Tate.


**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS. Wish I did though, that would be great.**

**Please review. Will be much appreciated!**

A History Set In Stone

He couldn't sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, or let his mind stray, the image of her, cold, dead, a pale face, with eyes wide open in surprise, was haunting him. He could still feel his heart racing from the shock, and there was still a voice inside his head, telling him that this could all just be a nightmare, that she could still be alive. If he tried hard, he could believe that for a few seconds. It was the perfect illusion, to see it as a silly dream. But deep inside, he knew that no dream could last forever, as much as he wanted it to. He needed something to cling to.

Tony heaved himself up, which took more effort than it normally would, and paced slowly to the window. He stared out, and saw the city moving on, as if nothing had happened, as if his world had never stopped because of a single bullet. There was nothing, he felt, that should ever matter, but that everyone would know what had occurred, and that time would stop, and never move again.

It was then that he realised that he had lost the most important person in his life. He felt as though he couldn't breathe, like something was trapped in his throat, blocking off all air. He welcomed it, wishing that he could suffocate. But as soon as he gave up fighting, the air flowed easier. The image, however, stayed in his mind.

_Maybe_, he thought, _this is just an overreaction._ As soon as this crossed his mind though, he became furious at himself, and even the wave of grief swirling around him couldn't stop the anger boiling up inside him. He thrust himself away from the window, towards the door, not even pausing to get his jacket. He knew subconsciously that he wouldn't need it, even though the wind was buffeting against the window, rattling it loudly. The air was full of his fury as well, it seemed, but he didn't care. He didn't have the emotions in him to care at that point. He was only fuelled by his sorrow and his anger, and that was enough to keep him running for days, although not even that was necessary. What he needed was Kate back, and that was the thing that was just out of his grasping reach.

In minutes, he was up on the roof, the wind blowing in his face, which was drawn, gaunt. He didn't feel it though, not even the stinging of his drying eyes. He was lost to the world. The world that was so bitter, so harsh. The world that had taken her away from everyone who knew her, who loved her. It was crushing him, but it had killed her. He was still unsure of who got the worse deal. The loss was worse than he could ever have imagined before this had happened, it was ripping him apart, although every inch of him was united with the feeling of yearning so strong it banished everything else far away.

He slumped onto the cold stone roof, hands pressed against it so hard, clenching in a numb dream-like state. He couldn't see what there was to live for after what had happened.

The clouds covering the stars thickened, darkening. The sense of hopeless despair lingered heavily now. Looking up, vision slightly blurred, dizzy, Tony watched the clouds converge. His personal nightmare had come true, before he had even realised that it was his worst fear. He'd never had the chance to say how he felt, or even to say goodbye.

He couldn't bear the agony. There was something he had to do, and he would do it, no matter what. Pushing himself up, he walked purposefully to the very edge of the roof, his toes over the side. One step. That's all he had to do now. Easier than living with the pain.

As he raised his right leg, moving starting to move it forwards, he knew that he couldn't. Kate wouldn't have wanted him to die. He saw her face, eyes open wide, filled with horror and shock. His body trembled, and he lowered his leg. The vision changed, and he saw her lying, cold and dead. The harshest memory. The memory he'd have to endure for the rest of his life.

He turned away from the edge, and walked off, but whispered to the sky, "I'll see you again, Kate. I'm not going to move on. I'll stay behind until it's my turn."

He'd lost the love he'd never known he had, and it was going to tear him apart forever.


End file.
